Love Hurts....

Love....

This tiny tiny word of yes just 4 letters...pains, aches, thrives, blooms, grows in our human lives. But, yet why is the root of soo many problems? God loves us soo terribly much that he ached, pained, grew, blossomed within this tiny word. He sent his son Jesus to spread the Gospel, show us what love is, not just between Man and Woman but of friends, family, pets and any relationship that has a cause and effect...thrives, blooms, spreads unconditional. Yet, because he cherished each and every one of us before we set foot on this green earth he created, he set forth a plan in motion to sacrifice his son Jesus. For us. That's it. We can only understand God's love thru conversation, seeking of his guidance, time spent, trust the absolute most important. Those of us who claim God is real, those of us who accepted him into our Hearts have such a disregard as to what love is...
My struggle most of 2018 and now into 2019 have revealed to me that one cannot love when something doesn't go according to plan. Not just my plan but the plan of those in relationships with me. A little background on myself. I am one of those that thrives on relationships, I depend on them and perhaps this is my downfall. Any one of those I choose to be in my inner circle I feel for them as if they were blood, my family. As an open book as I am to those closest to me I get hurt. Not just "hey I fell and scraped my knee", like deep down, ugly hurt that shoots through my entire body from mind to heart to gut to the strength I have. You know the whole saying "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" well I just skip to shame on me regardless of how often, same circumstance, same friend. My problem with this quote is fool me once, should be shame on me just as much as it is on the other person. Because if we truly, truly care about one another then one is just as guilty as the other. Whether this involves the phrase "I should of known that would hurt them" or "how come they didn't know it would hurt me?" "Does this back and forth in relationships require a better choice in those relationships?" "Are they a relationship of convenience?" "Did we enter into this agreement without fully knowing the consequences?" "Am I hiding something, am I not meeting my duties in this relationship?" or "Are they the ones not fulfilling their part?" If you know the answer to atleast one of these...is it worth it? In the last year I knew the answer to all of these questions. But, the tiniest thing that made me uneasy and prompting my own self worth should have been an indicator right? Or I should have opened myself page by page instead of skimming thru or listening to it in audible fashion. Anytime something is "off" or some simple comment made my gut stop and say ''hhmm?" Nope I'll just chalk it up to them having a bad day or some major underlying thing has been creeping into their hearts as well. Cause and Effect. 
Cause: a cause in a relationship fits into these few words for me apparently: geographically desired, convenience, loneliness, sacrifice, heartbreak, unconditional love. These words are based on my past relationships, some still around some nonexistent. 
Effect: a 'go to girl' on her terms, a 'go to girl' on my terms. Yet, neither one of us knows this. Untrustworthy, unfaithful, pain, worthlessness, conditional love. Both have patterns in my life. The worst part of this is I get myself into the same boat every time. You'd think I would of learned by now...
The times of having lasting relationships are far gone. We as a people have come soo engulfed in what we need and not the effect it has on those we are acquainted with. I am also to blame in this, promise I am not singling myself out by any means. 
The lesson: I am one that tries to show the best parts of me and the worst parts of me, and if they stay around me then I am assuming(terrible idea) that all is well. We are like two peas in a pod ready to support, listen, handle anything life throws at us together and us as individuals, show each other our faults without any repercussions. Transparency. I personally thought this is what the foundation of a friendship is. I have surrounded myself with amazing, wonderful, loving women. "You ugly cry..show me the beast who made you cry and I'll take care of them for you"..even if that beast is one of your flaws that makes you human, that you kindly shared with me due to our "agreement" I do this nonstop, but the one moment I express anything along these same lines with what I am struggling with..I get a "Oh no, she didn't" They take it their work place, where I am not at, to even stand up for myself or even tell my side of the story. Or they completely ignored where my heart is and "assume" a reaction to that particular circumstance. But, here is the kicker...they wouldn't even show me the courtesy of asking me what I meant, or due to whatever inside battle they are having I'm the punching bag, the cause of all evil in their lives. One would think "Houston we have a problem" "Let's figure this out together, find a solution..oh I have an idea talk to eachother, to be honest isn't this was respect is all about? No partial blame here..nope its all me. The part that hurts the most about this is I am extremely open with my heart, I take actions to show you I care, or I am thinking of you, or I want to be the one that takes away the pain of whatever it may be. Or just simply be the wall, and let you word vomit, with no suggestions from me, lets face it sometimes this is what we may need. Bottom line, is I do wear my heart of my sleeve, this could be a cause of some relationship I had with friends as a kid, boyfriends, parents etc. I'm like that puppy who is waiting to be adopted, the moment I feel the smallest touch of love, I automatically am in love with you, will be for you in anything, be there for you to cuddle etc. promise not in a stalker way...I hope. 
There really is no explanation why we do what we do. The only thing we can be certain on is if you give 100% to a friend be aware you will never get that lucky on their part. Predicament...you should only be responsible for the 60% ..right? And if you not knowing my heart that 60%(again my fault..its easiest)turns into 40% (complete annihilation)then we might as well all go home because my life hasn't showed anything coming out of the ashes of a burnt relationship other than my sadness, my disappointment in myself to make you think of me as that way. Ultimately I failed you...The only being that gives us 100% no matter what... is the Son, the Father & the Holy Spirit. 
I do pray that I become smarter, be more aware of my feelings, oh and my dear heart keep that fence around it. Never ever let anyone close to where they can just barely reach and pierce it...letting people back in whom have hurt me or those who "don't know me or who don't think of me as a kind person"(my fault again..because what else could it be) ..In my experience that is the only way for ME to move on and seek relationships elsewhere..or do I even bother? Maybe next time I'll be more careful, cautious, predictable, know better,...oh and lets not forget 60% in that relationship..maybe at 60% I won't be as hurt or taken for granted. 
I'm done...